Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
