Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
