Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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