last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
