my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
