just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
