All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
