he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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