We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sext me about skeletons
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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