Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize