Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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