I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
