I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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