What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
