what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You can't motorboat a personality
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
