i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
