if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
