drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
