the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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