Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
