I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
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