does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
