marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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