i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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