It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
