i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
