Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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