plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
