Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
