I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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