only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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