my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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