she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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