its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Your penis caused this!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
