When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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