Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
