does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
