The maid of honor just puked.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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