Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
