We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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