mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
