this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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