i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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