I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
