I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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