how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
