Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just gift wrapped bread.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
