im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
