I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
