I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize