I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
