I met the friendliest cop last night
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
