sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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