Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
