There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
