he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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