I can tuck mytits in my pants
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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