Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
