apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think your dad took our porno
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
