My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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