i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize