you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
