Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
