dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
