just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
