***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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