what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
