i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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